Most of us have been single. Several times. We have fought (or perhaps still fight) against loneliness and rejection. We have often felt that we are not desirable enough . We have often tried to introduce another version of ourselves. The truth is that we are human beings and we are not meant to live alone.
We want to love someone . What’s wrong is getting lost because we don’t have anyone to love. Or get lost in the person we have chosen to love.
Many dislike being single, and tend to get lost in their relationships. They start a new relationship, perhaps too quickly after the last breakup. In a few days they find themselves “back on the market”, looking for someone else to get lost with . Because many do not want and do not like to be alone. For various reasons: They don’t want to eat alone, they love sex too much, because they constantly need that thrill of love … But on a deeper level, because they want to prove to themselves that they are desirable, lovable and worthy . And it’s really hard to feel like this on a Friday night, when you’re home alone managing your feelings. Many people, for example, contact exes out of desperation and regret it soon after.
We can all, at any given moment, feel that deep loneliness, the one that prevents you from washing your hair or wearing anything other than pajamas. We can be rejected by women or men we really love. We can all try to be someone we really aren’t in order to be with someone else. We can use dating apps, very focused on physical appearance, meet someone and be disappointed.
We were programmed at an early age like this: they teach us that happiness does not coincide with being alone (spoiler: it’s a myth that we should get rid of, once and for all). You need a boy, a man who comes with you to the prom, a husband who loves you and vice versa for men. Finding love is an important aspect of happiness, or at least that’s what we are taught and made to believe.
If you are single, you are incomplete, imperfect and inferior. Sitting alone in a restaurant means that something is wrong with you or your life. People feel bad for you.
Often, when we are single, we are desperately looking for a partner. We hide, wait and hope to find our worth in someone else . While our real value lies in ourselves.
So when we finally meet someone we offer a lukewarm, disconnected and scared version of ourselves, a version full of desperation and pressure to make the relationship work, because last time it was close to success. But there were also problems. When other people are single, they do what we all do: they look for a partner and wonder when they will find “the right person”.
Add to these expectations and the unbridled desire to find a mate the way we meet people today: filtered photos, “ghost” people, fake accounts, posed photos, appearances – today’s reality it makes us feel ugly, undeserving of love and desperate.
Relationships are difficult enough. When you enter a relationship in this state – the same person you were before, but perhaps more discouraged and with more pressure to make it all work – you unload it and perhaps unknowingly prepare yourself for failure.
You are missing a huge step, a fundamental step in the process of your evolution . Take what you have learned from your last relationship and grow to be a new person, a person with new definitions and perspectives. And the best chance of this happening is probably when you are single, as it requires an inner journey that is usually avoided during a relationship .
All the baggage you carry around in a new relationship will only create new problems and conflicts that you need to resolve, and most people don’t. Because she has never had the tools since she has always focused only on finding someone . Instead of finding each other .
1) Being single is an excellent ground for personal growth
When you are in a relationship, you are less motivated to look at the “black box” of what happened in your previous relationships. You are experiencing a new situation now and are focused on the novelty. That other door has closed.
So the chances of you really coming to terms with yourself – learning, growing and becoming a better version of yourself – are exponentially lower . Especially if you entered a new relationship right after the old one, which a lot of people do.
This is why the breeding ground is so damn rich when single . You have a time to work on yourself and your life before you meet someone else. That doesn’t mean you can’t become a better version of yourself when you’re in a relationship. But let’s face it: when you’re in a relationship, you’re building something with someone else. You are part of something else.
It is therefore vital to take advantage of the time you are not in a relationship. Instead of looking for someone to be with, you need to explore yourself . Your models. Your definitions. What do you like and why. Your dreams. The mark you want to leave in this world. You need to explore your relationship with yourself. You have to be comfortable with yourself first, in order to be able to feel good with others .
2) Being single allows you to let go of your beliefs
Being in a relationship is difficult. Living and building a relationship with someone is. People grow and change. Our wants and needs change, as we change too. We are not constant.
“And they lived happily ever after.” They’ve always sold us this theatrical or movie ending.
What does all this mean? It means you don’t have to be in a hurry. Exploration is the best tool. We don’t have to run towards anything. Except towards ourselves. There is no model that works for everyone. We have to create ours. That’s all. And this also applies to relationships.
Explore life with your definitions. Let go of the old beliefs passed down by your parents and society. Take back the power over your life by building an honest existence with yourself. And there’s no better time to start doing it than when you’re single.
3) There is no “right person”, or rather: it does not necessarily exist forever
The idea that there is only one person you should be with forever is yes, very romantic, but also limiting and not always realistic. It leaves no room for acceptance and gratitude.
The truth is, “the right person” is the one you choose to love. Now. Today.
But even before that, there is you . The first right person you need to love – and in this case yes, forever – is you. And if you don’t believe it, you won’t be the “right person” for anyone else.
Choosing ourselves is a practice we are not used to. Because we were programmed to choose someone else. And this programming results in unhealthy behavior patterns that bring anger and resentment, which make us feel invisible and unheard. And this is probably one of the causes that made your past relationships go wrong, and it will continue to ruin your future relationships if you don’t break the pattern.
Start by choosing yourself first.
Being single because you want to be does not mean being single forever, nor does it mean being anti-relational. Being single means accepting that you are single when you are, connecting with yourself before connecting with someone else, so that your life does not remain on hiatus.
And when you find someone who deserves you, you can contribute more to the relationship.
You’re probably wondering: what if you don’t find that someone? Remember: no one completes us , the other half of the apple does not exist, and it is not true that life only makes sense when we find the other half. We are whole beings and our happiness depends exclusively on ourselves and no one else . Nobody should carry on their shoulders the responsibility to complete what we lack: we grow with ourselves. If we are in good company, it is simply more pleasant.
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